Jessica ([info]prettyinpunk82) wrote,
@ 2009-03-23 21:18:00
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Current mood: sick

If only for the butterflies...
I have never been so close to deleting this livejournal. I almost never write here anymore. Then I read Sarah's entry (paleseptember81) and took a stroll down memory lane. I read through some entries so old that reading them now is embarrassing. The person I was is now-frankly-kind of embarrassing. Even the reason I started this whiney blog is sickeningly depressing. The only thing more so is my paper journals. Is it wrong to say that THAT girl feels... well... obsolete? Even if I can still remember what it was like to be her?

I know of maybe two people who I can imagine may read this. For many of my friends have left LJ behind them. I'm still deliciously tempted. I got to thinking about what paleseptember81 wrote, about realizing you've wasted your time on someone. I gathered that that was the very core of my poor livejournal's existence. It began under my sad broken hearts need to gush, and gush, and gush unerringly. It's to the point that I'm not sure I really know how to write a journal when my heart is no longer broken. Ask my paper journals... they'll spout volumes about the details of my time spent in the bell jar. (Not boy related, mind you.)

Without angsty, youthful heartache, I'm just not sure my daily life is blatantly interesting enough to be writing about. I mean, I work 42hrs a week with kids from k-5th. Sure I have stories, some of them pretty fucking funny, but it hardly warrants a daily recap.

But then I thought again... about the butterflies. :)

Did anyone see them? They've been migrating to the mountains in Mexico. Saturday I was bombarded by swarms of Monarch butterflies at my work's Book Fair. These beautiful black and orange fluttering flurries sadly fly like kamikaze pilots into cars, but instinct is at the heart of us all, and sometimes we get blind-sided. Thems the breaks.

http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/world/la-fg-mexico-butterflies23-2009mar23,0,6624988.story

And well, if I don't have butterflies, there is always Bill Maher. I'll can never get sick of posting New Rules. That alone is worth keeping this damn thing. ;>


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[info]paleseptember81
2009-03-24 10:34 am UTC (link)
hey, If you ever want to feel good about yourself, you can seriously go to my Jesse tag for like 2004-2005, and try not to puke at all the "whahahahha waaah waah. wah." I was just struck by how i also KNEW it was stupid and wrong at that time but i stayed in the same situation for another two years.

On the bright side of things, its kind of a relief to see that how much we've changed, and a clear pattern of progression and growth, at least it is for me. Like I'm not in the situation now and I can't imagine (hopefully) letting that happen to myself again, and we're still in our 20s. I mean, there are plenty of people alot older who go their whole lives feeling so bad about themselves they stay in soul draining situations.

You don't even want to see my written journals. lol 10 times worse than my lj, that's saying alot.

You can write about anything really. haha look at me, I do. I bet the stories of little kids would be funny. I mean, thats the point of lj in a way, that's not my life, I don't work with kids, but it teaches me something about the field and that aspect of things to read it about someone else's life.

and yes. there is always bill maher <3 ;)

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[info]prettyinpunk82
2009-03-24 04:13 pm UTC (link)
I think we always know it's stupid, even when we're doing it. That's one of the things I noticed as well. I knew it was wrong, and self-destructive, and yet... it was like seeing a train wreck in motion. It was horrible and fascinating, and totally beyond my power to stop it. I agree... it is nice to see that I'm finally beyond all that. It actually feels better to be somewhat disgusted with myself rather than in it... living it. And your right, I can't see myself letting that happen ever again. The whole situation made me realize what I really want, and what a waste it is to settle for whatever I can get from some self-important douche who never cared about me.

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[info]medea1919
2009-03-25 04:34 pm UTC (link)
It's to the point that I'm not sure I really know how to write a journal when my heart is no longer broken.

i wondered that sometimes... until i realized i could still write crap or find things to be upset about when i was mostly happy.

i like to keep the LJ because for me its a record of my change and life, i don't think i could ever delete it.

and for a long time i didn't even have a paper journal anymore and so it really had become my journal. (i have a paper one again now though)

anyways, i haven't seen those butterflies... but i saw them up near Pismo Beach a couple years ago... and it was beautiful <3

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[info]prettyinpunk82
2009-03-26 02:26 am UTC (link)
Yeah, I think the most I can be is mostly happy. I don't think I've ever lived a moment where I was completely, wholeheartedly content with my life. I'm having trouble deciding if always striving for something, or being dissatisfied with the now is negative, positive, or just plain realistic. *shrugs*

In the end I think that's why I'm keeping this one... to see myself change. If I can move away from a phase I didn't like seeing myself in then I consider that a good shift... progress... a personal achievement... damn, it's survival even. Simply deleting away moments that weren't my best is like dismissing them, saying they didn't matter. In truth, they mattered, then and after.

I go through phases of keeping a paper journal. They're unbelievably unorganized and whiney. They don't always make sense and are too often repetitive. I really only tend to keep them in deep depressions. Oddly, the basketcase I became due to love and heartache wasn't the same for me as the true medical depression. One is a roller-coaster threatening to fly off the hinges into a fiery sunder... the other is trying to hold your sanity together while dangling over the pit of hell. It's a significant difference, to me anyway, and that horrible year when I was 19 is virtually incomparable to those first few crazy years in my 20's.

The butterflies are still around, though not as abundantly. Keep your eyes peeled, you might spot one or two.

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